Flaming Elephant Penises, juggled by unidentified man

Click on the link in the title to see more blow by blow discriptions of the acts described in The Aristocrats. I just saw it. So goddamn motherfucking good. And delightfully vulgar.
Benjamin, Mark and I seemed to be the only ones laughing. There were not a lot of people in the theatre though. I was the only one who laughed at the line about "we should be less blow-job centric. Look at starfish. They eat each other out all the time. Sure, it takes forever, but they get it done". Maybe it was all in the delivery. Jon Stewart was disappointing. As was Carrot Top showing his ass.

Afterwards I had to call 911. I also got my boob groped in an unrelated incident.

We were sitting around outside and some drunk homeless guys started throwing empty bottles at the road. Obnoxious, but not worth intervening over. Then they started throwing bottles at people, so we felt the need to call in the po-po. They showed up but didn't take anyone in, including the dude who appeared to be cooking up hits. The lack of arrests and brutality allayed some of the guilt about being a tool of the man. Look, I've taken a few too many courses with "anti oppression" in the title to not have a bleeding heart (also, evidently, bleeding stomach lining).

On the way home I helped a middle age blind guy out of the subway. I'm pretty sure he went for the boob by mistake when he was trying to take my arm, so I can easily excuse that. However, when he tried to kiss me as I was saying goodbyeI think that crossed a line. Oh well, at least now when I see him around public transit it will be easy to avoid eye contact.

In conclusion, helping people is for chumps and go see The Aristocrats. According to currentattractions.com, the profanity details are as follows:
C-word(14), F-word(87), A*s(38), Balls(4), C*ck(18), Crap(1), C*m(9), D*ck(9), Hell(1), Jesus(3), N*gger(5), Piss(12), P*ssy(9), Sh*t(69), Tw*t(1)

When did "Jesus" become a swear? Also, how come Ass gets bleeped and Balls doesn't? And shouldn't it be N-word? Or is that not as bad a word as Fuck? And why did Snatch not make the list? Who the fuck decides these things? Also, I wonder who gets to count all the swears and how I would apply for that job.

A whole lotta summer

Last weekend was great. I crammed a whole summer into it. It included:
- a trip to an exotic locale...ok, just Connecticut. Still, I got to use my passport.
- going to a wedding
-camping (in Fort Dummer, Vermont) right after the wedding and setting up a tent in the dark
-sleeping in a leaking tent in heavy rain
-swimming in lake Champlain with a Uni-Uni minister
-a pic nic on a lovely sandy beach

It took me all summer to get this stuff in, but now all I have left to do is an epic bike trip, run through a sprinkler on a hot day and get a few more breakfasts on a terasse in.

"Your CLSC thanks you for your patience"

I am currently holding to maintain my call priority. I am being thanked for my patience. I am trying to reach the info santé line and have been on hold for quite some time now. I am trying to be patient and not get frustrated. La la la... I have all the time in the world, this doesn't bother me at all.

I think that all this worrying and stressing out may be catching up with me a bit. So it's time to calm down and just not worry.

Finally! Someone answered the phone after 40 fucking minutes of being on hold. ok, more like 15. And it's fine, because I refuse to get annoyed and stressed out.

I asked the nurse who answered the phone about yesterday's vomiting blood incident. I think it's not that big a deal since it only happened once and after a night of binge drinking (with actual frat boys for authenticity). The nurse agrees. Good. Back to normal then. (OH MY GOD, I HAVE 45 CASES AND ONLY TWO MORE DAYS TO WRAP THEM UP. FUCK FUCKITTY FUCK!AUGHHHH!!!! ).

Still, I think maybe it would be best to consult an actual doctor - if only because I'm a sucker for rectal exams. Ew. Upon further reflection, I feel fine. But no more sangria.

The mystery of the strange pube.

A few days ago I was cleaning my desk and discovered what looked like a grey pubic hair on it. This puzzled me a great deal, since I had no idea how it could have gotten there.

Hypothesis 1: It fell off of someone and got on my desk
There has been no one with grey hair in my room for several months.

Hypothesis 2: It’s a leg or chest hair, not a pube.
Same problem.

Hypothesis 3: The hair came in through the window.
Possible. But how do pubes become airborne?

Hypothesis 4: It’s one of mine.
Given that I’m in my mid 20’s, I don’t think I’m going grey yet.

Hypothesis 4: Someone’s pubes got into the washing machine then got into my clothes. It then got onto my desk somehow.
I think this might be the most likely.

Hypothesis 5: The elderly sneak into my room while I’m at work and get freaky on my desk.
Your mom and I had a talk about this and she said she’d stop.

Any other ideas?