The new diet solution
Whoa!
It's nice to be back home. Ok, parts of it are annoying, but the food is way better than when I'm cooking for myself.
I gorged myself on a nice steak dinner and then made christmas cookies and chocolates, which entailed eating quite a bit of cookie dough.
A few hours after this I found myself hungry. Now, I've eaten A LOT of food today and there's really no reason for this. Nonetheless, I can't stop thinking about how tasty a baked potato would be right about now.
I reason that it will be ok if I just have a tiny one and don't put any butter on it. I put it in the microwave and go upstairs to grab a sweater.
I was sort of skipping back down the stairs, looking forward to the potato, when I heard several loud bangs. It turns out that the first loud "Bang" was produced by my butt and back hitting the stairs. The other, smaller bangs were caused by my butt hitting each stair as I slid down the better part of the flight. I figured out that I was falling when I heard the "OW!" noise I made. But by that point I had stopped moving.
I got up and tried to figure out how that had happened. I think it had something to do with my socks not getting along well with the carpet on the stairs. That, or getting along too well with it. I used to slide down the stairs (usually on purpose) all the time as a kid. It's that nasty long-haired carpet stuff from the 60's that's not quite shag. It's also a really hideous colour of pooh-brown and it wasn't laid right so it has big bumps in places. My mom has been talking about getting rid of it since she moved here. She's renovated literally everything else in the house but she never got around to the carpet.
I think I'm fine except for a bruise or two. Also, I no longer want the potato.
So the next time you're about to eat a big heap of pudding, see if throwing yourself down a flight of stairs doesn't help. It can't be that much more hazardous than Atkins.
posted by I am the lizard queen @ 1:09 a.m.
2 comments
2 Comments:
Duuuddeeee! I think you've found the solution to our collective financial woes. We gotsta get in on this diet craze! Let's get our own infomercial about your discovery. We'll call it the Bang Diet and we'll catch on faster than this fucked up Atkins craze (no carbs! pff!). We'll write books, I'll make a web site, we'll go on Oprah, Letterman, that show with the 5 crazy ladies, annndddd we'll even get on the Daily Show. We'll be rich it tell ya! RICH!
This is retarded, it won't let me sign in. I HATE
YOU BLOGGER.COM!!! Anyway, I too have discovered a sort of diet. While eating a box of Turtles* at Avery's house last night (he doesn't eat them, its the vegan in him, yes, the vegan, that little munchkin just won't touch milk byproducts). So yes, returning to me eating these Turtles*, I put the box down on some shot glasses that we had used to play "shot checkers" with and lo and behold the box became aflame (also because I inadvertently placed the box RIGHT on top of a candle beside said shot glasses). So the chocolates burnt, I tried to eat them, but burnt chocolate tastes like burnt plastic. GROSS! This seems to work in a diet type situation: burn the bad food and then eat it. It will disgust you like nothing else ever has. Mmmm...plastic!
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